


Amen

by KupKat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's death and aftermath, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Season Finale, deans death and aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:55:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KupKat/pseuds/KupKat
Summary: Dean knows Cas has died before... they all have. And people come back. But it feels different this time around. This time feels like the end.He swallows a gulp of bile rising in his throat and clasps his hands together, leaning his head down on top of them and letting his tears fall down his joint hands.Pray. Pray for Cas, pray to Cas. Like always before.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 25





	Amen

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to ugly sob... I wrote this while listening to Amen by Amber Run. 
> 
> ... As you can tell, I'm still not okay.

Dean, stumbling through his bedroom door, throws his body to the floor underneath. He feels his sickening sobs break through his hiccups and he climbs onto his knees. 

He lost track of the time sitting on the dungeon floor.  He kept aggressively blinking and hitting and grabbing at his own body. Anything to wake him up from the hell he was living through. He stared at the empty dungeon and at the wall that opened up and swallowed Billie and Castiel through. His Cas. 

Dean’s fought what seems to be every creature out there. Vampires, werewolves, demons, angels, and even a freakin’ evil worm. Cas has been next to him through so many cases fighting the same things and even things worse than what Dean could handle himself. But The Empty managed to take his Angel away so quickly. 

Why didn’t he stand up and grab ahold of Cas? How did he let Cas shove him away? To hell with Billie. If she was going to destroy them- so be it. Dean would have gone down nobly. 

But instead he has to sit and think about his life and missing Castiel. Dean knows Cas has died before... they all have. And people come back. But it feels different this time around. This time feels like the end. 

He swallows a gulp of bile rising in his throat and clasps his hands together, leaning his head down on top of them and letting his tears fall down his joint hands. 

Pray. Pray for Cas, pray to Cas. Like always before. Dean whispers “come back,” before he experiences his chest heave. 

“Cas, dammit. Cas you said the one thing you wanted was the one thing you couldn’t have... I-" he squeezes his hands tighter, hoping some kind of deep prayer will reach his winged partner. “If I had known- you could have had anything. I thought of you, always. Even when I was angry and pushed you away- I always... you were always what I wanted.” 

Through more pained whispers he shakes his head, “you’re a dumb ass. You shouldn’t have made that deal. I hate you,” his voice cracks. 

“No. I- I want to hate you. Because how dare you leave me now. You drop a bomb like that and just...” he looks up at the ceiling and shouts. “I don’t hate you, just come back. Please. You have to.” 

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket again and he feels a wave of hope pierce his body. When he sees yet another call from Sam he grunts, chucking his phone across the room. The rest of the world can wait. 

He feels his nails digging into his opposite hand, his knuckles are white from squeezing his fists. Small cuts form from his scratching nails. “Knowing you, it changed me, too. That’s why you can’t just... you can’t be gone.” He sniffles and slumps his body, no longer on his knees praying. Instead his body curls into itself as he lays on his side. 

“I need you back. I’d give up anything.” 

He wants to die. This feeling is one that crumples Dean each time. Every time someone around him dies- he feels this agony. Except this time feels different. Before he could hope people would come back or that he could see them one day. How the hell can he see Cas when the man isn’t even in Heaven? He’s nowhere Dean can find him. Nowhere Dean can rescue him from. 

Purgatory and Hell? Dean wishes Cas went to either. They would be a walk in the park to save his Angel from. That’s what he could handle. Not this. 

Deans is thankful that his destructive behavior hasn’t shifted over the years because he grabs the whiskey sitting on his side table. He clutches at his chest, feeling emptiness spread over himself. He raises the bottle up and sighs, “I’ll drink enough for the both of us.” He chokes, “I’ll keep drinking until he’s back. Whoever is out there listening- help me.” He thinks how fucked up it is that this happens now, now that he knows what a dick God is. “Bring him back.” He coughs through his leaking nose snot and rush of mucus in the back of his throat, “come back.” 

He doesn’t care that his voice cracks the entire way through. Doesn’t panic when the last words whispered as he cries into himself are, “I loved you, too. Always.” 

***

Dean assumes he passed out because he gets up feeling his muscles spasm from the position laid in. He grunts, stumbling up. The second his eyes opened, tears already started dripping. 

So Dean wasn’t having the worst nightmare of his life. No. It was real. 

He swears and kicks his desk. He sees the bottle spilling out the small remaining liquid drops onto his floor and curses. “Fucking come back.” 

He feels angry. Not at Cas, but at everyone else. 

He feels his teeth caked in bad breath and whiskey and wants to throw up from the scent alone. He sulks to the bathroom and brushes his teeth with more force than anyone would need. 

He doesn’t realize he’s dropped his toothbrush until he’s choking and leaning over the sink falling into a sob, again. He looks up and pictures Cas. Leaning close to his back, minding no personal space. He imagines it so clearly that he feels like Cas is really there brushing his fingers over his arm and calming him. 

But he’s not. 

But what Dean does see for the first time is a hand print over his shirt's shoulder. He gasps and touches his fingers over it. He holds his own shoulder while smiling sadly at the mark. “Couldn’t go without leaving something behind, Cas?” He looks back at the mirror. Expecting Cas to have appeared in thin air. Doesn’t happen. “I’ll never have anyone else, you were it.” 

When he gets back to his room he throws himself onto his bed. He whispers to the air, continuing on. “You loved me.” He breathes out a deep breath. “I don’t know how you see so much good in me. Because all I feel right now is hate. I feel violent and dangerous and I want to kill everyone who ever dared to hurt you.” He smirks, “but I guess that counts as me doing something out of love. No matter how corrupted that is.” 

He brushes his tears off, still holding his own shoulder. Anyway to find himself close to Cas.

“I want to get drunk. I want to find therapy in every drink.” He shakes his head, “the old me would have buried myself in alcohol and women and hidden my pain. But I can’t. I can’t do that anymore. Or I can only try. I just want to be the better man you thought I was. Even if I don’t see anything but a broken shell… I-” he closes his eyes, “I will make you proud.” 

After torturous minutes, possibly hours, he sighs. “I will wait for Sam and Jack and I’ll tell them you’re gone. I don’t think I can share what we had together. Because they should already know that. That we loved each other.” 

He gulps, “and we’ll figure something out and we’ll kill fucking Chuck. For you. And I’ll do everything to get you back after. To find you some way... I have to, Cas. Because you may have left me here, but I’m not sitting around waiting for anyone else. I’d rather be killed than live everyday alone.”

Dean feels broken but he manages to smile to himself, “I promise you, Cas. I’ll save you or I’ll find you. I’ll die trying to get to you. 

***

Sam and Jack came home and Dean broke the news. He saw pain spread over both of their faces and he tried his best to remain emotionless. Because the last thing they needed was to watch Dean spiral out and kill himself as he went through the hell that’s living out in his head. 

Even after the three of them had Chuck on his powerless knees, Dean doesn’t want to celebrate. He doesn’t kill Chuck even though every ounce of feeling in his body was screaming to murder the man. But he will be what Castiel wanted, deserved, and saw. He chooses love. For Cas. 

When Jack announced his departure and how he wanted to avoid every mistake Chuck made... Dean felt a chance of hope. For the first time, since the last time Cas breathed on Earth. He and Jack shared a long look, Dean pleading in his head and hoping Jack could hear or read everything that his eyes were begging for. 

When Jack is gone and it’s just Sam and he, he lets his body relax in a heavy slump. Although he has no idea what Jack will do or not do- he has a good feeling. Jack would go through Heaven, Hell and even The Empty; just like he would, to get Cas back. 

Dean knows now what has to be done. No- what he _wants_ to do. 

***

He pulls on the biggest smile he can. Wants to spend his remaining days before the end with Sam. Leave Sam with memories of a happy brother, a hopeful one. Doing things they love and not worrying about the control over every last action. 

Before bed each night, Dean gets down on his knees and spills his heart out to Cas. He hopes Cas is out of The Empty by now, so he’s tuning in to Dean’s tearful and loving prayers. 

He speaks to his anger that Cas left him no other choice. He speaks to how hard it is to wait. He speaks about missing Castiel’s hands and impossibly dorky humor. He speaks about wanting to be there sooner, but sharing his considerations about leaving Sammy. 

Yet before he stops speaking each night, he whispers how he knows he deserves a happy ending. And he can only get there one way. He whispers “I love you, too,” to his empty bedroom before he falls asleep. 

When Sam and he get pie, Dean couldn’t help himself from smiling. This is what he wants Sam to remember him by. 

When Sam brings up Cas and Jack- Dean can’t help but feel guilt in the back of his head. Because Dean knows how he’s going down; maybe not the exact way, but Sam just doesn’t know the faintest idea. He tries his best to lie through his teeth and promise Sam that the two of them will be okay and that a “normal” life is out there waiting for them. All of that is possible because of Cas and Jack. 

He waits for Sam to melt back into shared hope. Because the more hope Sam has when Dean leaves… the better off he is. 

Dean’s not going to kill himself, but he’s not going to try and stop his death either. When the time is here, and everyone knows the time will be close at their rate, Dean will accept it. Because when he accepts it- he gets the reward of a lifetime. Forever with his best friend, forever with his love. 

***

Dean would have laughed years; even months ago, at the idea that a group of Vampires wearing cheesy skull masks would be his last hunt. But here he is now. 

The asshole Vamps, at least, all die in Dean’s last showdown. It would have embarrassed him if he died with even one son of a bitch getting away. He watches his brother in his fighting glory and smiles. 

He knows there’s a spike in his body. He wants to think it’s funny. After everything he sacrificed and everything he won- this is what did it for him. But he can’t laugh because it’s considerably painful and he knows this is when he has to say goodbye to his brother. 

Sam tries to rush to find supplies but Dean stops him. Maybe if Sam treated him and he got to a hospital in time... maybe he’d be alive still. But he knows this has to be it. The first chance Dean could die without it being on his own choice- that’s when Dean wanted it. He asks Sam to come to him as he feels his body easing in and out of his life.

He feels pain, again. The same he felt when he watched Cas disappear for yet another time in his life. But he feels more comfortable now. Sam has the best shot at finding a family here. Finding Eileen and marrying the shit out of the woman so deserving of one of his favorite people. He’ll have his own family and be able to experience the life he always deserved. And Dean will be able to get his way, too. Find his Angel and this time hold on to him for as long as he can. 

He whispers his love and pride in Sam before he feels his eyes blacken. He knows this is it. He feels the last touch from his brother and the last feeling of tears rolling off his skin before it’s over. 

***

Dean finds himself outside of The Roadhouse. Bobby, old bastard, sitting and waiting. Dean can’t help but feel excited. He’s got everyone here, with the exception of Sam. Everyone else that he loves and misses and he can’t believe that he’s finally made it. 

He deserved a happy ending and this is everything he could want once Cas was ripped away. Once Bobby gives him the rundown of everyone near- he looks out to find Baby. Parked and ready. Next to her, he sees the Angel he loves. The one he came for. He waves to Bobby as the two share a knowing look and he runs out to see Cas. 

“I love you, Cas. Don’t ever do that to me. Never again.” Dean feels hot Heaven tears roll on his face and Cas brushes them. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He touches Dean’s shoulder and whispers, “I’m going to keep helping Jack. But I will always come when you call.” 

Dean gasps and crashes their mouths together. “I love you, I love you.” 

Cas hugs Dean, “The Empty lost. Because I may have been truly happy for the first time in knowing and admitting what I feel for you... but now I can be happy for the rest of eternity.” He pats Dean’s keys, “think we can go on a drive?” 

Dean smiles and wipes his tears off, “I’ll go anywhere with you.” 

Cas smirks, sliding into the car after whispering, “I know. I heard your prayers." 


End file.
